The black band shirt is a classic look, but it’s not for everyone – especially babies. Not for lacking of trying, mind you, it’s just that merch booths seem to lack appropriately sized baby clothes. You still have to go out of your way to outfit your newborn in an Iced Earth “Fuck Posers” tee.
So if band tees are out, what clothes do babies wear, then? Turns out there’s a garment for just about every conceivable scenario (besides looking metal). So here’s the Mostly Metal Dad Guide to Baby Clothes, here to help you through this strange, new territory.
This is the likely the first garment your baby will wear. I’m hesitant to even call it clothing since you yourself would never go to a concert wearing only a blanket. You’d be wrapped so tightly you wouldn’t be able to throw the horns. But for most babies, getting swaddled is the shit. That snug burrito fold is supposed to make them feel like they’re back in the dark, gurgling closeness of the womb. I mean, whatever gets your goat, baby.
Onesies capture the all-purpose, year-round functionality of the metal look, if not the style. Good for all occasions,these one-piece outfits have flaps in the nether regions that snap apart for easy diaper changing. It’s a simple garment, but you can can complement it with socks, gloves, pants, or even a hat. It’s the equivalent of wearing your Immortal shirt and ripped black jeans, then adding the spiked gauntlets and corpse paint for a more complete look.
There is no metal equivalent for the sleepsack. None. Even on babies, who by default can usually make things pretty cute, sleepsacks look irredeemably dorky. Picture a pope smock, like the kind Papa Emeritus III from Ghost wears with all the inverted crosses, except a sleepsack is more Snuggie than satanic. Some sleepsacks have sleeves like proper pieces of clothing, others are like potato sacks with arm holes. I guess these are good if your baby can’t or doesn’t like to be swaddled, since it keeps their arms free. I dunno, if I were in a sleepsack, I’d want to escape too.
What’s more un-metal than pajamas? Pajamas with footsies attached. I can’t imagine a world where you would buy a pair of jeans and have your combat boots sewn onto the ends of the legs, so why should we impose this our children? On second thought, that would make losing a shoe while throwing down in the pit practically impossible. Maybe the baby clothes people are onto something.
Hoods are pretty metal. Especially if they engulf your whole head like you’re some dark wizard. But the times where you get to wear a hood are few and far between. Not so for babies. Every time they finish a bath is an opportunity to don their Cloak of Drying. Granted, hooded towels are usually styled after popular characters like Hello Kitty or Dora the Explorer, or even adorable animals like caterpillars or lions. Personally, I’m holding out for an adult-sized one shaped like Vic Rattlehead. It’s only a matter of time.
It gets hot on stage, I understand that, but that’s not an excuse for you to strip down to your Iron Maiden undies and continue rocking like nothing’s changed. You aren’t one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Only babies can pull off the semi-nude look and not get grimaces tossed their way. A diaper isn’t any more a piece of clothing as a pair of boxers is, but it’s a look that’s distinctly “baby.” Plus, it’s good for that whole skin-to-skin physical bonding thing between parent and child the doctors keep talking about.
Wearing What’s Right
There’s an appropriate situation for every kind of baby clothing. Babies don’t have the be-all end-all solution most metal fashion relies on – no, that kind blissful simplicity will be years in the making, as long as you’re setting her on the right path.
Just be sure to have a good idea of your baby’s size when clothes shopping; clothes sizes can vary just as wildly as concert tees can. The last thing you’d want is to finally track down that elusive Emperor onesie only to find it won’t go further than her neck. Not exactly the kind of metal legacy you want to start with your kid, is it?