The Mostly Metal Things About Babies

Somewhere between my fifth and sixth diaper change, I realize that raising a kid isn’t the most metal pastime. Other than the birth, which I admit was pretty goddamn metal, my daughter hasn’t done much to get my goat going. Pooping like 50 times a day isn’t really high on my list of Metal’s Greatest Hits.

But I’m not very metal myself; one look at the top of my internet browser proves that particular sentiment. And a closer look at my daughter reveals that although the act of raising a kid might not be very metal, the babies themselves are. And metal stuff, well; I kinda know how to deal with that.

Chances are your kid probably is too. So if you need a reminder of that, here you go – these are the Mostly Metal Things About Babies.

Babies can really wail.

Straight from the womb, your kid’s got a set of pipes as powerful as Bruce Dickinson’s. Indoors, outside, at three in the morning, any time is prime for warming up the ‘ol vocal cords.

Just like a really impressive vocal performance demands your attention, so too do your kid’s cries. Make sure you give him the response he deserves and repay him for such a killer, ear-splitting performance. No need to ask him for an encore; some soothing words or pats on the bottom should be more than enough thanks.

Babies are natural-born headbangers.

Sure, it may seem like that side-to-side motion means she’s looking for Mom’s boob, but you know better. Your baby’s actually performing an infantile form of headbanging. Next time you notice her moving around, put on something midtempo with a lot of groove (Pantera’s “Walk” is a great choice) and watch Baby rock out.

Just as with adult headbanging, maintaining good posture is important. Make sure you support your baby’s head to avoid whiplash and teach her proper technique.

A long-haired metalhead headbanging. His baby tries her hardest from the ground.
She’s got a lot to learn, but I think she’ll make it.

Babies are gas-powered.

Seriously. Babies emit more fumes than Rob Halford’s motorcycle. For as little as they are, they sure know how to blast ass in a way that makes even Daddy self-conscious. All that noise isn’t just for show, either; gaseous babies are prone to following up their act with a “solid encore.” So make sure she doesn’t stew in it for long.

While peeing and pooping yourself don’t seem all that metal, but it brings us to the final part…

Babies just don’t give a fuck.

In my opinion, nothing is more metal than staying true to yourself and your convictions. Babies understand this right out of the womb. No matter how much they scream, squirm, and defecate in public, babies could not care less what others think of them. And that’s metal as hell.

Be sure to praise your youngin’ when she gets really riled up. Although she’s pissed off at the world, your closeness will be a good reminder that some things are worth calming down for.

Building Toward a More Metal Future

While I’ve been learning the ropes about being a dad, my daughter’s been displaying all these metal traits under my very nose. It’s embarrassing how obvious it seems now. I guess I’m learning, but I should have seen the signs!

So the next time you’re lamenting over how un-metal your pitiful life has become, just remember: your kid is being way more metal than you all the time. So suck it up, get your pointer and pinky fingers erect, and be a good role model for her.

That’s what dads are for, right?

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