An encore is a wonderful thing. Who doesn’t love seeing their favorite band come and play one or two more songs? It’s even more empowering when you’re on the receiving end, and the venue actually lets you do your thing. (Thanks, Jumping Turtle!) Yeah, encores are pretty great.
Except when we’re talking about shit.
Oh, you better believe we’re talking about shit. Buckle up, boys and girls, Mostly Metal Dad is here to talk about what happens when you get the wrong kind of encore.
The Kinds of Encores (Including the Shittiest Kind)
There are a few kinds of encores to identify. And I mean the real kind and the poop kind. You’ve got your “no shit” encore, where the band can’t possibly be finished because they haven’t played their best song. You’ve got your fake-out encore, where a band waits so long to come out you thought they were actually finished. You also have your double encore, where a band already did one encore, leaves, then comes out again for another song.
All these encores have varying levels of enthusiasm. For example, you’re only mildly enthused at the “no shit” encore, mainly because you aren’t surprised but still get another kickass song out of it. For the double encore you’re absolutely losing your mind with enthusiasm.
You are not at all enthused about a poop encore.
What is a Poop Encore?
A poop encore is exactly like a musical encore except much shittier (I’m a dad now, I get to do this). They’re unique from regular encores because they’re probably all surprises. Like, you would never want your baby to poop after she’s already pooped. (Unless you do, in which case you are a masochist and I hope you two will develop a very healthy relationship in the future.)
Unlike bands, babies don’t take a bow after they’ve taken a shit. There’s no clear visual cue they’re completely finished with their business. In fact, they probably look just as innocent as when you started changing them. That could not be further from the truth. Every time you open that diaper up is a gamble that could leave your changing pad, diaper table, and immediate vicinity covered in… well, you get the idea. The point is that you can’t tell when babies have finished discharging their devastating payloads. So you have to approach each diaper change with extra caution.
What to Do (About the Doo Doo)
So you know what to expect regarding encores – but how do you deal with them?
Be vigilant. You can’t let your guard down, even for a second. That’s when she’ll strike. Make sure nothing’s in the trajectory of the blast zone in case Baby decides to blast off. Remember, you can always wash whatever she happens to coat in a mustard-colored gas attack, but it’s better if you avoid that scenario altogether.
Bring a spare. It’s a good idea to have the next diaper unfolded and ready to go anyway; this just takes the idea to another level. Just place the next diaper beneath the soiled one to catch any, er, overflow. The worst that could happen is she poops again on your way back to whatever it was you were doing, or even as you are securing the new diaper on her. It’s happened to me, and it’ll happen to you too, so the sooner you can just accept that diapers were made to be bought and thrown away, the better. You’ll have days where you’ll be changing diapers faster than Dream Theater changes time signatures, so get used to it.
Don’t wait too long. This one’s tough to recommend. Every parent has a different threshold for how long they can stand to wait before changing their kid’s diaper. But sometimes a diaper that’s been peed in can use up all the soaking bits of the diaper, leaving nothing to catch a liquid shit except a soggy barrier. So if you notice your baby has a dirty diaper, don’t let her sit in it too long. Chances are it’s making her uncomfortable anyway, so you’ll be doing everyone a favor by swapping it for a dry one.
Encores are Inevitable
So I didn’t really maintain the whole musical encore metaphor to the end. Tough shit. Talking about how to deal with poop is a much more critical endeavor than showing off my writing skills.
Babies that poop after they’ve already pooped are jerks. But you can’t do anything about it! Your mind will want to shut down at the sheer impossibility and unfairness of it all, but just remember that double encores are going to happen. And this is one show you can’t duck out early on.