Buying Baby Music (The Ultimate Deception)

Say the wife sends you out to pick up some lullaby music. (I know, I know – just imagine Amazon and Bandcamp don’t exist, and we still live in a time when we have to hunt for our music with spears.) As it turns out, baby music is totally boring. It’s quiet and encourages good sleeping habits and doesn’t have any guitar solos or double bass at all. But you can try to pass off your purchases as baby music; you just have to be sneaky about it.

Here are some bands that just might pass your SO’s sleep-deprived attention test.

Decrepit Birth

You might be able to get this one past your wife, but you’d better be prepared to play dumb. “Decrepit” isn’t really a common word per se, but looks pretty damn suspicious when paired with “birth.” It might be in your best interests to pretend you didn’t know any better, or else you won’t even get to the intense progressive death metal jams that wait just inside the jewel case.

Strapping Young Lad

Looks innocuous enough, doesn’t it? All three words of this band name pass the Vulgarity Test, however, “Strapping” is kind of an old-timey word. This might actually draw unwanted attention to it. Better to choose Alien or The New Black for the abstract cover art; you would not want your wife to inspect your purchase only to see a bunch of bloodied feathers on the front.

Album cover for Strapping Young Lad's 2003 album of the same name. A white feather, bloodied red.
Yeah, you aren’t fooling anyone with an album cover like this.

God forbid your wife actually hears the music itself. Hevy Devy’s been known to belt out a melodic chorus or two, but it’s usually backdropped by a frenetic wall of sound. Good luck.

Cradle of Filth

“Cradle” is pretty safe as far as baby-related words go, much less so the “filth” part. That’s like a complete failure of the Vulgarity Test. Like, why couldn’t Dani and Co. name themselves “Cradle of Colic?” At least then you could try to pass it off as an experimental genre intended to treat acid reflux.

You might have a little success playing the thing, since most Cradle of Filth albums start  with instrumental intro tracks anyway. But it’s game over as soon as the vocals start. I couldn’t defend those in any context.

Blood Stain Child

This is a toughie. “Blood” definitely fails the Vulgarity Test, as there’s no feasible way you could spin it onto something babyish. “Stain” makes your argument even flimsier. I guess you could try to exaggerate it as “blood stay-in child.” That’s pretty harmless, right? Who wouldn’t want the blood to stay in their child? Right??

Maybe if you skip to the one track in Epsilon that really showcases ex-vocalist Sophia’s talents. Not bad as far as kid-friendly songs go, but you’ll have to endure not hearing the incredibly more metal songs you’re missing out on the album.

Old Man’s Child

The good news is this name passes the Vulgarity Test. Unfortunately it fails several others, including the Dubiously Pedophilic Test. Naming your band “Old Man’s Child” is just weird – even weirder than the frequent time signature and tempo changes surrounding this band’s unique brand of black metal. I recommend trying to convince her it’s the sequel to a Tom Waits song.

Babymetal

This is your compromise purchase. Sort of. I’m personally underwhelmed by this metal-slash-Jpop band-slash-group, but you might get a lot of mileage from the wife. The novelty is pretty appealing to non-metalheads, and although the music isn’t as on-point as, say, this, there’s some stuff to like.

Babymetal feels like a cop-out, but if you’d rather listen to Raffi or The Wiggles, be my guest. These gals’ll do in a pinch.

A Babymetal live performance. Three young singers in black t-shirts and red skirts, dancing and singing in unison.
You can do better than this, unless you can’t.

The Ultimate Deception

You’ve got a job to do, and since you can’t come home empty-handed you may as well try to pass your purchases off as having your child’s best interests in mind. Maybe you have ulterior motives, maybe not. The important thing is you’ll have some new tunes to listen to. That is, if it works.

This entire project kind of rests on taking advantage of how tired your wife is. I might be giving you too much credit – I certainly am myself. I have never been able to get anything past my wife to the point that I don’t even try anymore. But if you’re really looking for an out from a future of the endless variations of “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,” maybe this will work for you. Just… don’t tell her where you got the idea, okay?

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